Thursday, July 31, 2008

Tippecanoe and Tyler, Too

My hormones are definitely raging.  Last Thursday I took Layla back to the doctor.  After a week of setting alarms to wake her I was given the green light to let her sleep as long as she wants.  I was feeling very optimistic and thought maybe she would sleep through the night.  Instead she woke up every three hours, more often than before.  I got really frustrated and in turn it became a bad night.  

When I woke up Friday morning I kind of flipped out.  I felt like I had blinked and the last five years had happened.  I was suddenly somebody's wife, a mother of two, and the keeper of a mortgage and bills I can't pay every month.  Where did all this responsibility come from when I feel like I am still just a kid myself?  I cried for two days.

I know it is totally cliche, but I am going to say it anyway.  In order to sign and seal plans I had to take an exam that took six months of hard core studying.  But in order to be a mother all I had to do was get pregnant.  And that scares the shit out of me.  What if I don't do it right?  What if some mistake I make turns my kids into serial killers?  How can I know I am being a good mom?  What does it take to be a good mom?  I find myself making mistakes with Mason all the time now.  How can I stop?

About a year ago I read a book called Nineteen Minutes by Jodi Picoult.  It was about a boy who walked into his high school and started shooting Columbine style.  When I read the book I really identified with his mother.  She was a great mom, really involved in his life.  How did that happen to her?  How does any felon end up that way?

(The title of this post has nothing to do with the content - it's just an old campaign slogan I can't get out of my head.)


Rachel said...

you cant know that your children wont turn into murderers. what is important is that you are the best mom you can be. both mason and layla are going to be wonderful teenagers, college students, and adults. try not to stress yourself out witht he what ifs and concentrate on how full of love and life they both are now. thy need their mommy and without you doing what you do, they would not be so wonderful!

CookFamily said...

I feel the same way. I seem to blame myself for everything that could go wrong, or does. How did this happen? At least we know we are the mommies to the cutest kids on the planet. Could be worse, they could be ugly - I've seen them!